Contest Within Matrimony: Disputes Arising when Spouses Debate Suffering Superiority

In many couples, particularly those with small children, a dynamic known as the Competitive Marriage can arise. This dynamic is characterised by constant, open competition over who is trying harder and whose life is more stressful.

This competition often stems from dissatisfaction with career choices or the roles each partner assumes within the family. For instance, one parent may envy the other for a seemingly easier, more glamorous lifestyle, or one may castigate the other for being "the fun parent."

This dynamic can lead to neither partner feeling validated, as both are waiting for the other to make the first acknowledgment. Both partners in a Competitive Marriage feel their lives are extremely stressful.

However, an exercise in gratitude and appreciation can jolt a marriage off this unhappy, competitive track. By recognising and appreciating each other's unique strengths and contributions, couples can begin to shift their focus from competition to collaboration.

Areas that are not your strengths and in which your partner is better usually involve tasks or emotional support where one partner naturally complements the other. This could be managing household responsibilities, emotional labor (mental load), or financial contributions, depending on the family and relationship dynamics.

In contrast, the inverse of the Competitive Marriage dynamic is seen in older and happier couples. These couples express gratitude for all that their partner does. They view their partnership as not complete without their partner's unique contribution.

Both partners in a Competitive Marriage have a fantasy of their partner acknowledging their hardships and expressing gratitude. These couples are likely to benefit from their ability to focus on their partner's positive characteristics. They admire their partner's strengths, particularly in areas such as patience, creativity, stability, excitement, energy, organization, focus, passion, wit, physical strength, and emotional strength.

The original article on this topic was published at Dr. Psych Mom. It emphasises that by acknowledging and appreciating each other's strengths, couples can foster a stronger relationship and family life. Instead of competing, they can collaborate, support each other, and grow together.

Contest Within Matrimony: Disputes Arising when Spouses Debate Suffering Superiority