Are Compatibility and Opposites Really Complementary?

Do Complementary Elements Actually Draw Each Other In?

In the realm of relationships, it's a common belief that opposites attract. However, a growing body of research suggests that this may not always be the case.

According to psychologists Matthew Montoya and Robert Horton, who conducted a study in 2012 at the University of New Mexico, there is an irrefutable association between being similar to and being interested in another person. This finding was further supported in their 2014 experiment, which demonstrated that differences in personality, interests, education, politics, upbringing, religion, or other traits can actually lead to greater attractiveness.

This notion challenges the age-old adage that opposites attract. Matthew D. Johnson, Chair & Professor of Psychology at Binghamton University, reinforces this perspective, stating that it's a myth.

Johnson's assertion is echoed by Utpal Dholakia, a PhD, who suggests that arranged marriages, such as those in India, support the case for similarities attracting. He argues that these marriages pair people with similar values and lifestyles, leading to high levels of satisfaction over the longer-term, as reported in various studies.

Yet, it's important to note that while similarities are crucial, complementary differences can also play a significant role in successful relationships. Caroline and Kyle, a compatible couple, manage their differences in important ways, such as accepting each other's need for travel and home life.

In a good relationship, partners listen to each other and express themselves respectfully, putting their relationship first and finding solutions that work for both. This approach is key in dealing with differences positively and respectfully, which can keep a marriage thriving.

However, not all opposites or differences can be managed. Potential deal breakers include different religions, spending styles, wanting children, addictions, lifestyles, core values, ideas about fidelity, and different ideas about fidelity.

In good marriages, couples can live with unresolvable conflicts about perpetual issues in their relationship if their differences are not deal breakers. Agreeing to disagree can be a solution for couples with different political views or preferences for elected candidates.

Psychologist John Gottman finds that many problems in marriage do not get solved, but good marriages manage them. Conflict about differences where there is a willingness to put the relationship first can result in a good resolution.

In conclusion, while similarities are essential in long-lasting, fulfilling relationships, complementary differences can also contribute to a relationship's success. By appreciating each other's dissimilarities and dealing successfully with the resulting challenges, spouses can grow and maintain a thriving marriage.