Discontinuation of Relationships Between Parents and Their Offspring

Parents Discontinuing Communication with Their Offspring

In the realm of family dynamics, estrangement between parents and adult children has emerged as a silent epidemic, particularly in the Anglo-American space. This complex issue is explored in depth in Angelika J. Rieß's book, "Contact break in families - When a shared life no longer seems possible."

Contact breaks are often the result of a long struggle, with both parties feeling the weight of the situation. However, it's essential to move away from a blame mindset and understand the connections that led to this point.

Many parents strongly identify with the fact that they have supported and accompanied their children, and hope for something in return. Yet, the reality is that estrangement is rarely about abuse or severe mental illness, such as addiction or depression. Instead, it's often about the collision of parents' life tasks and the autonomy needs of young adults.

The predominantly adult children "clean up the family theme," citing emotional neglect, lack of closeness, excessive control, persistent conflicts, and unresolved injuries from childhood as motives. On the other hand, lack of respect and appreciation from parents towards their children's accomplishments and personal matters can hinder honor and gratitude.

Despite the pain and distress, the time of interrupted contact can be an opportunity for personal development for both parties. For parents, it can provide an opportunity for self-reflection on parental love and its influence on parenting. Haarmann advises parents to shift from overprotection and smothering love to fostering, sending the signal: "You can do it, you'll manage."

Similarly, the time of interrupted contact can be an opportunity for children to build their self-worth. Understanding the children's feelings can lead to relaxation for parents, and it's crucial to empathize with their struggles.

In the Pairfam study, a long-term investigation by the Leibniz Institute for Social Sciences, 7% of participants reported no contact with their father, and 2% with their mother. Many more felt emotionally distant. Within ten years, almost every tenth person surveyed reported a phase of estrangement from their mother, every fifth from their father.

The desire for a perfect and intact family among many parents is driven by a deficit from their own childhood. Moving away from this ideal and understanding the connections is important in healing the rift. Many parents manage to take responsibility for their part of the relationship and meet their children on equal terms, offering a glimmer of hope in these challenging situations.