Partner Assurance Guidelines: Steer Clear of These 14 Statements

Seventeen Pieces of Advice to Avoid with Your Romantic Companion

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In the heat of a disagreement, it's easy to fall back on phrases that may seem like a quick solution, but often do more harm than good. Martin von Bergen, in an insightful article, has highlighted some of the most destructive words and suggested constructive alternatives.

Firstly, the phrases "You always" or "You never" are rarely factually correct in couples' disagreements. Instead of pointing fingers, it's more productive to focus on specific instances and discuss the issues at hand.

Words are like loaded pistols, and careless use can lead to irreparable damage. Phrases like "I want a divorce" or "I'm done" should be used sparingly, if at all, in a relationship. A more constructive approach is to express concerns and open a dialogue: "I am concerned about some things in our relationship. Can we talk about them?"

Labeling a partner as "clueless" is not productive. A more constructive approach is to express confusion: "I am puzzled by your behavior. Can we talk about it?"

Blaming language, such as "I'm not the problem, you are," makes your partner feel blamed and defensive. It's better to focus on the problem and work together to find a solution.

If you're feeling hurt, angry, or afraid, phrases like "I hate you" are toxic. A better option might be: "I love you but I don't like you right now." or "I may not be in the best place to hear you right now. I don't want to say anything hurtful or that I might regret. Could we take a breather and revisit this in a little while?"

The assumption that partners should know our needs without us articulating them is unrealistic. It's important to ask for what we want: "My girlfriends (mom, dad, sister, brother, your ex) were right about you." is not productive. A more productive approach would be: "As much as we may wish that our partners can read our minds and seamlessly give us what we want, this is a child's fantasy. We can expect our partners to care about our needs but expecting them to know needs which we haven't articulated is neither realistic nor productive. As Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, famously quipped, No askee, no gettee. Ask for what you want."

Phrases like "Whatever! / Oh, just forget it" can be dismissive. Instead, try: "I am frustrated. I am having trouble communicating what I want to say. Can we talk about this so that we both feel heard and understood?"

If you don't want your partner to take something the wrong way, don't say it in the wrong way. Labeling is insulting and non-productive. Guilt tripping does not foster intimacy and cooperation. Telling others they are responsible can lead to stonewalling or counterattack.

Always and never words are often proxies for strong feelings. Phrases like "Grow up / Get over it" are unhelpful. A better response could be: "I feel upset when you say or do that. Can we talk about both of our needs and feelings?"

Dismissing a partner's relationships with others, such as saying "My girlfriends (mom, dad, sister, brother, your ex) were right about you," can poison those relationships. A better approach is: "I feel discouraged about what is happening right now. Would you be willing to have a constructive conversation with me about this?"

Lastly, remember that responsibility cannot be given, it can only be taken.

By choosing our words carefully and communicating effectively, we can foster a healthier and more productive relationship.